Bye bye 👊

So tonight iv had to say goodbye to both of my men in my life at the moment.

Jake my ex of 5 years has finally moved on and basically told me I'm to do the exact same. 

Which I have been trying to with Ben but I can't because I'm so hung up on jake still. And it's going to and already is ruining my future with someone else and my future. 

Iv gone through everything in my head more then anything else iv ever thought about and I'm going crazy doing so.

Benjamin has been there for me for a while now but being with him and being so close to him makes me miss jake and my old relationship and it makes me relise that iv got a lot of growing and moving on to do. I know it's for the best that I don't speak to Ben untill I'm ready for a relationship again but it's so hard when he's the closest thing iv had the last 5 months. 

I need to do some soul searching and get on with my life but again it's hard. 

I don't want to move to wollongong knowing I have no one there. Not even a friend. Just an ex who's more then happy and a boy iv been Inlove with for awhile but can't be with or be around.

But I need to go and move away In order to get myself on track but I'm scared that I'm just gunna end up back at Eden with my mum. 

Fucking loose loose loose loose.

Life thanks for the 4 minutes of happiness! Fuck you for lifetime of problems.

The grinch

So it's Christmas here in Australia, usually filled with all the family, laughter, with the same amount of fights,  everyone waking up early so we can see the little  ones excitement that Santa came and starting to cook Christmas lunch, not sleeping untill lunch time because there isn't any kids running around not the whole family coming Christmas Eve then don't come at all Christmas Day.
Christmas used to mean something, but then again so did family. But why would I think Christmas Day would be any different  to any other day of the year for me?  We didn't have a tree, we didn't have any kind of presents for anyone not even my nieces who we get to see tomorrow, there was no Christmas spirt at all, but why would there be when my family just spent 2 weeks in Sydney for my god mothers murder inquest, we ended up home the 23rd of December, exactly the same day she was last seen 5 years ago. 
This year is a year to the day aswell that my family found out i was crazy, and since my last brother left stopped talking to my mother and father and sisters  but not me because I was living with him, I so i was in a bad position.  I disappointed and scared my grandma that bad she was tearing, and that was only because I was screaming at my ex boyfriend because I found out about him lying about something very important. 
This Christmas I gave my mum my whole pay besides $150 so we could have a good Christmas without looking bad to the extended family and because of her being behind from the extended Sydney statb and we made a deal that she would keep  my dad and sister on there leashes and not to cause fights to make me go off and Look like I haven't moved forward, I hated the thought of them  thinking I'm the same as last year and I'm still yelling around.
But of course if was exactly the same as lash year because they couldn't untill we left the front door. And continued untill  they went to bed tonight.

Also got a lecture about my problems and why I am the way I am by am aunty I haven't seen in 5
Years.. Fuck you mate and. Happy first birthday tripper 😅🎄🎉